To say has 2020 has been overwhelming, is frankly a gross understatement. I like most, have been asking myself the big questions: what is the point of my existence? Will Black lives ever matter? Have I done the best I could with what I was given? Heavy stuff, right?
Well, I would like to tell you that I have found the answer. But alas, I have not. To be frank, 6 months after I first went into lockdown I personally feel no closer to figuring it out. Perhaps, the meaning of life is that there is no defined central purpose. It is our simultaneous duty and burden to decide for ourselves what the purpose of our lives will be. Mmm. What a thought. Could it be that our continuous search of the existential meaning of life is fruitless? So all the articles you have read, podcasts you have listened to, and YouTube videos you’ve binged thus far have actually been a colossal waste of your time. Yikes. I guess most people at this point would look towards their belief system to correlate their thinking. So let’s do that.
I would like to call myself a Christian but upon reflection I question whether or not I am a fitting reflection of all I have experienced God to be. If the answer to question aforementioned is no, then I have to figure out if I am comfortable to call myself a Christian. Mmm. To be uncharacteristically vulnerable, I feel like a 5 ft 7 (and half) bundle of mistakes, regrets, wrong turns and misspoken words. Contrary to popular belief, I constantly feel out of my depth, I am generally winging it and performing at [what I deem to be] an average level.
I am not ashamed to admit that the consistent overthinking over the past 6 months has brought to the fore my own morality, mortality, weakness and insecurities. To be honest, I feel battered by the consistent deaths, work responsibilities, expectations, the constant exhibition of black people being violated by police officers, the manifestation of systematic racism that impacts the lives of mentees and friends, social pressure to look and be different to what I am. I have analysed, evaulated and reevaluated every relationship, every conversation, every decision I have made over the past 24 years. I have written 5 year plans, reworked it, started again, shifted priorities, deleted all my social media, re-downloaded all my social media accounts and posted every day, attempted the Chloe Ting ab challenges and given them up, socialised with friends back to back, stayed in bed for days on end, instituted a rule to work from my desk, then proceeded to work from my bed for days on end. To quote my fave Ron Weasley “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode”. Mmm. Trust me Ron you can!
The above isn’t [in my instance] symptomatic of mental illness, it is just my reality of grappling with what it means to be a thoughtful human interacting with stimuli presented intrinsically and externally. I feel the obligation to myself to be the best person I can possibly be and create change in my own little way. So on day 263 in the year 2020, I decided to empty all my hidden thoughts out onto this digital page and start all over. Is it possible to reset your thinking entirely and consequently your habits? Well. I think so.
The Bible constantly talks about born again Christians as new creations [ref. 2 Corinthians 5 vs 17]. But our assumptions, thoughts, opinions and experiences which shape our behaviours are ever present after we come to faith. Just ask Pavlov and his dog. I started to think: how can one truly be edified if they enter relationship with Christ holding onto the old ways of thinking? I guess we have to let it all go.
So that LONG WINDED introduction as to get to this. The one thing I believe with every fibre of my body is that Jesus died for my sins and rose again. I started a new bible series which deals with the titular question. What is the point?
The definition of the word “Ecclesiastes” is “philosopher”. See… this is making sense to you already isn’t it? A biblical book about philosophy is exactly what we all need right. I guess for context it is important to know that Ecclesiastes is one of 3 books of wisdom in the bible. It is written by King Solomon who asked God for the wisdom to lead his nation after he succeeded his father David. God’s response? “Since you have not asked for long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern the people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given to — as such no other king who was before you ever had and none after you will have” ref. 2 Chronicles 1 vs 11 NIV. The aforementioned gives me enough assurance that Solomon knows what he talking about!
Solomon in chapter 1 addresses that he been given the resources to test out various philosophies which aim to deal with “what it the point of life”. Now Solomon’s networth is estimated to have been £1.42 T R I L L I O N. [God if I could please JUST touch the helm of Solomon’s garment!] It is no wonder he spent his days philosophising, he didn't need to work like you and I! Solomon starts off STRONG he says “vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities, all is vanity”. Interestingly enough, the word vanity appears 37 times in Ecclesiastes. It is fair to assume that vanity is thoroughly explored in this book. He goes on to describe the movement of the winds and rivers explaining that life is an endless cycle one generation is superseded by the rest and the only thing that will last forever is the earth.
So Sol is basically telling me that my desire for knowledge of the meaning of life is… vanity? And I oop. He explains that “eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing”. Yikez. So I guess my task of is to be satisfied with the functions I can perform. Do you know what? I think I can manage that!
Solomon explains that “he that increases in knowledge increases in sorrow”. Just let that sit with you for a second. I cannot be only one who misses the days of ignorant bliss. The knowledge of injustice requires action, and it is frankly overwhelming. I don’t think Solomon wanted us to stay ignorantly bliss but he wants to warn us about the consequences of wisdom, the emotional toll it takes. That is a warning that I will be heeding to henceforth.
Thank you for journeying through the inner workings of my brain. I hope you have had and continue to have an amazing time here. Until the next time, enjoy these affirmations.
- I am loved completely, unconditionally, wholly and perfectly by God.
- I am capable of all things through Him who strengthens me.
- I am weak so His strength can be perfect in me.
- There is no flaw in me because He made me all together beautiful.
- All my feelings, thoughts, worries are valid. Always.
- I am okay with leaving the old behind, ahead of me is exceeding abudantly more than I can ever ask.
- I am never alone not only because He is with me, but because He has situated me with some His very best.
